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New Orleans Pelicans

“Darius Miller” (To the tune of “Alexander Hamilton” from the Broadway Smash Hamilton)

Credit: Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

(If you haven’t heard “Alexander Hamilton,” first rethink your entire life and then watch this video and read the lyrics here.)

 

DELL DEMPS:

How does a four year, glue guy, eight points a game

At Kentucky, lucky to be drafted, kinda sucky

Shot 14 percent in ‘15, waived and gone to Europe in disgrace

Show up in ‘17 to torch the place?

 

DANTE CUNNINGHAM:

The Mason County KY B-Ball Hall of Famer

Pretty good gamer, but as he ascended got lamer

He was no game changer

Not a shooter or rim hanger

By 22, to NBA scouts he was a stranger

 

SOLOMON HILL:

And every day while one-and-dones were being drafted away

He stayed and struggled and got his shots up

Inside he was hoping for Stern to call his name out

The brother was putting in work so not to flame out

 

E’TWAUN MOORE:

His NBA career came and just like that it waned

Our man saw his future drip, dripping down the drain

So he joined the Bundeslige and went on to bring the pain

And he won three straight titles in a lofty German reign

 

DELL DEMPS:

Well the word got around, they said who’s this kid man

Was he the same guy I drafted who hit the skids man?

Come back to the league with your newly crafted game

And the world’s gonna know your name. What’s your name man?

 

DARIUS MILLER:

Darius Miller

My name is Darius Miller

And I’m a three point killer

From long range

From long range

 

JOHN CALIPARI:

His senior year he met a kid with one brow from Chicago

They hit the Final Four like our Prez hits Mar-a-Lago

Went pro

Both in the Crescent City to stay

 

COMPANY (whispering):

AD became a star but Darius didn’t play

 

ALVIN GENTRY:

Moved him down to D-League, in D-League he didn’t play so well

Stapled to the sideline the bench became his own private hell

Everyone said “Darius you got to go overseas!”

So he swallowed his pride and headed for Germany

 

DELL DEMPS:

The story should’ve been over here like others often do

He would’ve languished in the EU, be forgotten “Miller who?”

He started murking, working on his shot out in Bamberg

Dropping bombs out on an Island like he’s Andy Samberg

Draining any shot he can get his hands on

Straining for a comeback see him now as he stands on

A stage with a jersey that says Zatarains

In NOLA you can be a new man

 

Credit: Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

 

COMPANY (DARIUS MILLER):

In NOLA you can be a new man (from long range)

In NOLA you can be a new man (from long range)

In NOLA you can be a new man (from long range)

In NOLA…(FROM LONG RANGE!)

 

COMPANY:

Darius Miller (Darius Miller)

There are no wings but you

You’re given a chance because you’re almost six foot nine

Oh Darius Miller (Darius Miller)

New Orleans will sing for you

If you manage to get this right

You’ll be shooting out every light

The Pels will never be the same

 

DELL DEMPS:

He’s coming off the bench right now, see if you can spot em

Another Wildcat to make Bob Licht scream “Bottom!”

His opponents don’t know who he is, his own fanbase forgot him

 

ANTHONY DAVIS, DEMARCUS COUSINS, RAJON RONDO:

We fought for him

 

DANTE CUNNINGHAM:

Me, I died for him (well, you know, metaphorically)

 

ALVIN GENTRY:

Me, I trusted him

 

JOHN CALIPARI:

Me, I loved him

 

DELL DEMPS:

And me? I’m the genius who re-signed him

 

COMPANY:

He’s a three point killer

From long range

 

DARIUS MILLER

 

(Thanks for reading! I’ll let you know when I’m finished the entire musical, including the song where Darius Miller accepts his Most Improved Player Award, his Sixth Man of the Year Award, and his Finals MVP.)

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Jon Nathan Raby, from New Orleans, is the creator of The Footbawl Blog, a satirical and irreverent take on the NFL. His work has also been seen in The Postgame and the Yahoo Sports Contributor Network.

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